my marriage was on a cliff- and I almost pushed us off
It was one of those rock bottoms where I was rethinking every choice I ever made. Are we just too different? Are we not compatible? Do we just want really different things? Did we grow apart? Is this worth it? Can we even fix this? or are we too far and there’s no turning back?
It was hard and messy and heartbreaking. Everything that worked for a decade no longer worked. Our world cracked open and it was up to us to put it back together again. or not. The good news? We weren’t going to remain stuck in a situation that wasn’t working. We were going to burn it down. And either rebuild it together or let it go. And the scary thing was that either was an option.
«spoiler alert» we are now better & stronger than we ever have been. Our marriage feels like a totally different flavor of relationship than we’ve ever been in, we are pregnant with our third baby, and we are totally on the same page in life. But thats not the juicy part!
How the hell did we get here?! Well that’s the epiphany I had the other day- how we fixed our marriage is almost exactly how I help women fix their businesses. Turns out we are in relationship with our businesses just like we are with our partners! So read along, friend, because this is the juiciest and most vulnerable post I’ve ever written.
We needed an outside opinion, ASAP: we had been raw-dogging it without a therapist for years, and our last one wasn’t a hit. We needed new fresh perspective and someone to tell us what to do. Leaving us to our own devices was not working. Just like I help people see their business from a new expert lens, our therapist was AMAZING at helping us see the dynamics at play.
We needed new systems and tools: So many of our problems were stemming from not fully accepting the other person, or truly hearing their needs. Insert 2 little kids at home, and opposite work and sleep schedules- we were setting ourselves up for disaster. Just like any functioning business, we needed systems that supported us getting our needs met and succeeding. We needed (as corny as it felt at the time) a formal way to communicate, disagree and compromise.
“It’s me- hi- I’m the problem, its me.” — As much as I was grouchy and resentful at him and had a giant laundry list of things that were bothering me, I had to look in the mirror and really admit all the things I was doing to create the issues, or how I was adding fuel to the fire instead of helping us distinguish it. I help women do this in their businesses all the time but when it’s my turn?! phew! It is not easy. Especially for this Taurus sun/Leo moon combo. BUT it was actually so empowering! at least 50% of the shit that I hated that was happening I HAD CONTROL to change!! That was so freeing. So I practiced, and wrote scripts (just like I write new scripts for my clients!) and it changed everything.
Nothing was sacred. Everything was suddenly on the table. We were getting rid of all the shit that wasn’t working and even though “that’s how we always did it” we burned it down anyway. We were starting fresh and choosing new pathways.
We (re)committed to the ultimate vision for what we wanted in life. And consciously chose it. When it felt like there was no way out, I felt trapped and resentful. But when divorce, separation, the whole spectrum of options was on the table I realized the life I had WAS what I wanted, I just wanted it to function better. I was deeply committed to making it work. And willing to do whatever it took to see if we could pull through. Turns out that fierce dedication (from both parties) is the #1 factor in if a marriage will succeed.
I’m so grateful to Adam for his dedication and support in the process. And I’m so PROUD of us for going through that shit together. It wasn’t easy but the good stuff is worth fighting for!
