i was stuck in the capitalist patriarchal grind

I always thought my former business would support me when I wanted to become a mother. The reality was, I had taken 10 days off for my honeymoon and no shit hit the fan… how long could I be gone for maternity leave?

I remember having my first midwife appointment and they asked me about how long I was thinking of taking off after the baby was born. “Hm….maybe 3 weeks?!” I said sheepishly. (honestly even this felt like a stretch.)

I will never forget the look on her face.

In that moment I knew something drastic would have to change in my life to have the motherhood I had always wanted.

Even though we were two feminists running an all female crew, I have to admit, I was always relieved when our new hires had already had their kids. (“phew! how do companies afford to support people on maternity leave and hire their replacement?”)

Most of our team had adult kids at this point, so it had never been an issue before.

But running a company with such low margins, (ahem- in hindsight low CONFIDENCE to raise our prices) the numbers just weren’t there to support me AND the company moving forward. As the one deep in the financials I knew this down in my bones. Something had to change.

Not to mention the vision I had for myself in early motherhood was one of spaciousness and barefoot nursing in the grass in the sun- and the life I was currently living was one full of 5am stressed out emails, unrealistic deadlines and a general workaholic vibe. It was coffee all day till wine asap rollercoaster.

My business partners kids were raised IN the business with us. Was that what I wanted for my babies?

When patriarchy & toxic capitalism is the water we swim in, how do we come up for air and actually break free? For me it has always been Visioning & Imagination.

I am obsessed with this poem from Adrienne Maree Brown, titled “there is an edge (ode to radical imagination)”

There is an edge
Beyond which we cannot grasp the scale
Of our universe.
That border,
That outer boundary
Is imagination.
The only known edge of existence
The only one we can prove by universal experience –

We can imagine so much!
We can only imagine so much.

If perhaps it is a function of our collective minds
A dream of our endless nights
Then there will be abundance so long as we can imagine it –
Abundance on earth
If we can imagine it
Or abundance of earths
A sphere for every tribe
And every combination.
And to have it all
All we need is to remember
there is an edge
And grow our dreams beyond it.

“Barefoot nursing in the grass in the middle of a Tuesday” was a vision I got like a lightning bolt one day and held on to it ever since.

Here’s that vision come to life with my sweet, sweet baby.

This mother’s day I was SO proud of my past self for leaving everything I knew behind to become the mother I always dreamed of. I left my best friend/biz partner, my identity, my “baby” I worked 7 years tooth and nail to grow to a massive, successful business to step into a new reality.

And I have never looked back.