It was a tower card moment…

The lightning strike of clarity followed by the crumbling. 

I woke up at 4am in Santa Monica at my brother’s apartment. Out of breath. Wide awake. 

“This isn’t working anymore” I thought. But how do I get out? What can I do? 

I consulted the tarot. A million card spread out over my air mattress trying to find the answers. The light at the end of the tunnel. But I didn't have answers. Only more questions. The only step was to get my business partner on the phone. 

“.....I'm having an existential crisis.” I said.

“Um… ok. Do you even know what that means?” she said.

(Probably an incredibly symbolic moment I brushed under the rug)

“Yeah. I do. And this isn't working for me anymore. Something big has to shift.” 

This was the beginning of a deep untangling. A detaching myself from what I thought was my whole identity. 

My entire career. 

My 15 employees. My dearest clients.

My livelihood. 

My vision, my purpose. 

My business partner and best friend. 

You see, before this I was on a deep coffee + wine treadmill. Waking up to an unsustainable day powered by many cups of coffee. Then winding down from the adrenaline with the only thing that would work. 

So I cut both things out. And this is where the revelations started happening. Without those distractions, I had to sit with my feelings. Overwhelm. Dread. Exhaustion. Burnout. Shame. Embarrassment. Imposter Syndrome.  So I figured the only way out was through. And I started to meditate. And what happened next was WILD. 

I actually felt my feelings.

I stopped hearing everyone else's voice and started hearing my own. And she was pissed.

Pissed at being ignored, cast aside, overridden. 

Pissed about workaholism and how our culture puts our worth in how busy we are. 

Pissed about being forgotten about. 

Her rage couldn’t be contained any more. 

And I vowed to myself to never ignore my feelings again. To never let other people’s voices get so loud that I don’t hear my own anymore. 

And I never went back.

xoxo

Rosemary